# 28 "Like a cold, wet, woolen navy blue blanket over my heart..."

Chapter 2

Living in Minneapolis much of my life, and now in Nebraska, August through October were and continue to be the worst time of the year for me. While everyone is glorifying the autumn, I am shrinking from its light, or the memories...I am not sure.

As I was leaving a meeting today and felt that familiar twinge of loneliness and I began to wonder. August's light feels and has always felt different as I look back. School began; my dad was home more and that was always dangerous; isolation seeming to permeate my home as my mother, dad and I began one more journey into silence, and depression.

Every significant relationship of mine was ended in August; as a school counselor I had to start school earlier...in August. Songs seemed more plaintive, people appeared even to look at each other less in August.

All my addictions were given full reign...just to numb that terrible emptiness.

I am 60 years old and I still feel --at times and especially in August--like that 6th grader that never quite fit in at school and dreaded going home--wondering what I would encounter. If you talked to my friends throughout the years they would not believe that I take this terrible journey each Fall...I have so mastered my mask.

I was 47 when I contemplated driving off a bridge in Minneapolis, (the one in fact that fell last month), when I finally took a loved one's advice and sought help. And I have been doing so ever since and will continue.

Last week I was at a meeting in Alaska and a lovely young woman, (wiser than me), stated that her principal goal in life now was simply to be gentle with herself. I loved that.

Me too

You too?

Never give up!

There is always a "safety net."

It's name is GOD