#32 Absolutes Change 9-12-07

This was written by me in July 2002; I came across it on my computer today, read it and laughed, and recognized the veracity of it even 5 years later. Thought you might like it.

Blessings, Allison

I read this recently in a small, wonderful book by Paul S. McElroy entitled New Beginnings. Struck by both its simplicity and its power, my own life experiences remind me that the statement is so fundamentally correct. Who, in their youthful ignorance, has not believed that he had the infinite wisdom to know what was right and what was wrong, good or bad, black or white or set in stone. I, too, was so sure of myself then. There is a quote attributed to St. Anthony of Padua that goes something like this: Beware of your own righteousness.”

I’ve always hated that statement, especially because I begrudgingly knew it was right. It always had a way of “turning up” when I didn’t need it, which of course meant I did.

I came across that quote again in preparation for this blog. It was in an old box of my youth and my ramblings, some dating back to the 60’s — most from the 70’s and 80’s. There it was, that tiny slip of sentiment from St. Anthony, hiding under the dust, writings and old wounds from the past. Now the God of my understanding has never known to be subtle. If a nudge does not work, then a 2 x 4 with my name on it is coming my way. I have learned to pay close attention to such clues, not so much out of devotion, but to avoid that thump on the head when a lesson had to be relearned. Recently, I was involved in a situation that asked for my judgement, criticism and condemnation; I gladly obliged. However, the more critical and unforgiving I became, the worse I felt. Instead of being vindicated by my moral superiority, I became victimized by it.

All I knew is that my heart was no longer peaceful, the level of joy and merriment had waned. I began to feel a war within myself. This “arrogant discontent” lasted for weeks and it felt all too familiar.

Over the years I have thankfully come to distrust the familiar. I thought I knew everything. Life can appear very easy and neat when one is a “know-it-all.” Except, we don’t, or at least, I don’t. For ultimately, the person with the biggest whip over their head, who endures the harshest criticism, is me. In judging another, I sentenced myself to a mean spirited existence without the gentle comfort of a forgiving heart. There is a slogan in Al Anon that my wise husband always quotes: Would you rather be right or happy? For years, decades even, I chose the former, maybe because I felt so wrong for so long. Thankfully, over the years my loving God has showed me a different way of looking at the world. I call this magical healing change within my spirit Grace. I don’t recall asking for it, but God knows all the grace tricks. She surely knows our hearts and He tenderly lets Himself into when we are lost and need it most. And so when I was recently beckoned back into my old life styles and those old roles, I did indeed wrestle with my ego, my arrogance and - wouldn’t you know it - St. Anthony!

Luckily, “Tony” won!

And so it seems, the older I get, the less I know and the happier
I become.

And that just suits me fine!